[ Loneliness ]

3 June 2012

Hi 。ﾟ(ﾟﾉД｀ﾟ)ﾟ｡

Im lonely. Really really lonely. I wish that someone could come and save me from this black hole right this instance. But I dont think anyone will. Even if they did, they may not reach me in time.

I have no idea when did this feeling of loneliness started growing from its originally small size. Since when did it grow, grow enough to consume me whole?

When I am left alone, negative thoughts start getting into my head. I want to cry, want to scream. Want to shout. But I dont think it is of very much use. No one can hear me. Even if they did, will they know why Im screaming? Will they even want to know?

I found a song, that makes much sense to my mood & thoughts currently. It is Everybody's Fool - Evanescence. I will break down the lyrics as to what it means for me.

perfect by nature
icons of self-indulgence
just what we all need
more lies about a world that

never was and never will be
have you no shame? Don't you see me?
you know you've got everybody fooled

look here she comes now
bow down and stare in wonder
oh how we love you
no flaws when you're pretending
but now i know she

never was and never will be
you don't know how you've betrayed me
and somehow you've got everybody fooled

without the mask where will you hide?
can't find yourself lost in your lie

i know the truth now
i know who you are
and i don't love you anymore

it never was and never will be
you don't know how you've betrayed me
and somehow you've got everybody fooled

it never was and never will be
you're not real and you can't save me
somehow now you're everybody's fool

perfect by nature

- i have everything a girl could want? Bullshit. No one has any ideas how hard my parents worked to keep me satisfied & happy

icons of self indulgence

- im a social butterfly? I may have many 'friends' but how many true friends do I actually have to trust & rely upon?

just what we all need

more lies about a world

- i lie. Yes, of course i lie. Be it a white lie, a gentle lie, or even a harsh lie, the fact remains that i lied. Maybe thats why im afraid of being lonely. Maybe its because im scared that my sins will eventually catch up to me.

never was and never will be

- its true. im not who you think or believe i am. And i dont think i may ever end up being who you believe i am.

have you no shame

dont you see me

- i really do wonder at times. As to if people actually see me for who i am, if they know what i am like or its simply that they do see the real me but they just choose to blatantly ignore it

you know you've got everybody fooled

- i dont think i fooled them. Some people actually do see me for who i am. Which is why i have already incurred hateful feelings from them

look here she comes now

bow down and stare in wonder

- please dont look on at me as if i am some kind of goddess. Like i previously stressed, i am not who you think i am. i myself, also cant seem to find the 'real' me

oh how we love you

no flaws when you're pretending

but now I know she

- love me? Dont kid. Im impossible to love. There are too many factors to me which causes me to be unlovable. Flaws? im full of them. They are so strikingly obvious that im pretty sure that when i stand in front of you, everything will be glaring in your face.

never was and never will be

- its true. im not who you think or believe i am. And i dont think i may ever end up being who you believe i am.

you dont know how you've betrayed me

and somehow you've got everybody fooled

- me? Betrayed you? You must have got it all wrong. No one can tell me what to do. All they can do however, is to lead me in making the correct decisions. I've got everyone fooled? Re-read the above section

without the mask 

where will you hide

cant find yourself

lost in your lies

- my mask was never on tight in the first place. i can say that i am prepared to handle things when i reach it but im sorry to disappoint people. im a coward. What can i do other than hide and pray that it'll simply all go away? Very true. i really cant find or identify myself anymore. i dont know where the 'real' me lies. Numerous people have asked me where the previous 'i' has disappeared to but all i can do, is to stare at them blankly and honestly tell them, that i do not know.

i know the truth now

i know who you are

- its okay if you know the truth. its okay if you know who i am. But, what matters most now is that, after knowing all that, along with my bad points, are you enough of a friend to stay and continue being my friend?

and i dont love you anymore

- even though i want to tell & convince myself that its fine if people do not love me anymore, i cant believe it. i crave for people. i crave for them to fill up the gaps & spaces in me. i dont want to lose myself even more.

never was and never will be

- its true. im not who you think or believe i am. And i dont think i may ever end up being who you believe i am.

you dont know how you've betrayed me

and somehow you've got everybody fooled

- me? Betrayed you? You must have got it all wrong. No one can tell me what to do. All they can do however, is to lead me in making the correct decisions. I've got everyone fooled? Re-read the above section

never was and never will be

- its true. im not who you think or believe i am. And i dont think i may ever end up being who you believe i am.

you're not real and you cant save me

somehow now you're everybody's fool

- if someone / something exists that could save me, then i pray, with all my heart, that it will come and save me. i dont want my life to end like this. i dont want everyone to see me as a fool. If im a fool, they will leave, and there will be more and more gaps & spaces left in me

Phew. After all that ranting, I feel so so SO much better! (-^〇^-)

I know this is really depressing but I've got to get it off my chest. Or else I will never be able to continue on with my life.

I learnt from this (●⌒∇⌒●)

I felt it really makes sense, so after this, I SHALL NOT BE DEPRESSED~~~~~~!  ヽ(＾Д＾)ﾉ

Thank you for bearing with me! ｡◕‿◕｡

Until next time~

Ciao! （*＾＾*)

Yours sincerely

REINBOWBOX